


Trust These Butterflies

by thepurplewan



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Circus, F/F, SM Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-19 01:14:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13693824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepurplewan/pseuds/thepurplewan
Summary: The circus just isn't that fascinating for Irene Bae anymore, having been in it since she was young. But the butterflies in her stomach tell her otherwise every time she's with one of the newbies, Son Seungwan. Circus AU, Two shot.





	1. one

When Irene was young, she swallowed a butterfly.

 

Well, not _a_ butterfly, and not _just_ butterflies. There was a whole bunch of insects—dead, of course, and hastily flavored at first—that went through her mouth.

 

See, when Irene was young—well, she went by the name Joohyun then. So, when Joohyun was young, she was adopted by someone named Boa. Like the snake, because she tamed them.

 

Boa was—is—a trainer at the SM Circus, and found the young Joohyun freezing in the alley during one of the circus tours. So, she adopted her. Or, well, they like to say the _circus_ adopted her and every other homeless person they come across.

 

Everyone needed an act in the circus, especially when they were still a small fledging of a circus and didn’t have small booths of different kinds of food and games that sponsors put in.

 

Joohyun needed an act, and a little girl swallowing up dead—the slight of the hand would obviously make it seem like they were alive—insects seemed like a good idea.

 

There was a name ready for her: Little Big Mouth. Not the most flattering, but names in circuses rarely are.

 

But her organs just couldn’t do it. So, one day of training, she swallowed five butterflies, puked out four, and Boa looked at her sadly before patting her back and pushing her towards the acrobatics team.

 

The last butterfly never went out of her body.

 

 

-

 

 

The circus rolls into another city just as Irene is nudged awake. She isn’t sure which one it is, she doesn’t try to remember each city or small town’s name anymore.

 

Joy, or Parksoo, short for Park Sooyoung and a little pun for the applause she gets every time she makes a tiger purr, looks out the bus window at the dreary gray clouds and drab buildings _once_ before going, “I’m gonna hate this city.”

 

Yeri, the magician Heechul’s assistant who has a sass that equals his, shrugs and drawls, “Looks like a less sophisticated London. I like this place.”

 

Irene, as usual, is indifferent. She’s been through more cities than those two combined and has learned that not all cities have beautiful secrets. Not all cities are romantic.

 

The skies are different in each city, maybe, but Irene got tired of that, too.

 

Or maybe she’s just drained.

 

She doesn’t offer much to the conversation and just sips the cold cup of coffee she left half full when she fell asleep and let the banter turn into that of a TV turned on in the background as she scouted the coffee shops and little shops she’d like to visit later.

 

She misses the thrill of being in the circus, of travelling to new places. She misses the throbbing of her heart at the applause, the unconscious smile as she swings just a little too close to the audience, seeing the awe in their eyes just before she swings back.

 

It’s draining these days and she doesn’t even like going around the cities and towns as much anymore, but she just doesn’t know how to bring her love for her work back.

 

She’s afraid the day will come she quits the circus like the older ones did.

 

 

-

 

 

The routine whenever they arrive at a new place starts with them transferring everything from the buses to the place they’ll set camp up at. They’re lucky if the buses stop somewhere inside the place—usually a park or an arena of some sorts.

 

But most of the time, the places are too small to fit all the tour buses, the booths, the miniature rides, _and_ the huge stage tent, so they have to stand in lines from the buses and trucks to inside the place and pass boxes of props to each other.

 

Today is like most days.

 

Irene grunts as she takes one of the boxes of props from the truck. She side-eyes Joy, who had faked an injury Irene didn’t bother listening to just to get out of working, and grunts once more. “You really amaze me sometimes.”

 

Joy raises the cup of frappe she bought from a nearby coffee shop. “Thanks,” she says before trapping the straw between her lips and sipping, even adding a wink because she is just _that_ infuriating.

 

“I hope you choke on that straw,” Yerim says, jumping out of the truck with her arms full of poppers. She wobbles a little on her feet and Irene almost drops her box to catch her.

 

Joy, however, immediately laughs right after. “I think you’re gonna blow yourself up first, Yerm.” She takes a huge sip of her frappe before adding, “Come on, losers, I’m gonna grace you guys with my company anyway.”

 

“No one needs your company.” Irene rolls her eyes. But Joy just shrugs and Irene knows it’s time to stop giving her the attention and satisfaction of irking others that she wanted. So she keeps her mouth shut and adjusts her grip on the box so she can hand it to Taeyeon, one of the musicians, waiting beside her.

 

Taeyeon looks at her like she knows what Irene’s going through, and Irene looks back just as exasperatedly, knowing Taeyeon has another Sooyoung under her wing who’s part of a comedic foursome and is just as annoying as Irene’s Sooyoung.

 

The look doesn’t come unnoticed by Joy. Her eyes widen in that way that says ‘I’m offended’. But when Taeyeon turns to hand the box to another person in line, Irene spies her smiling a little before taking another sip.

 

She smiles a little, too. The two Sooyoungs and many others may be infuriating, but they do makes everyone smile and laugh, and that’s one thing Irene wouldn’t get tired of in the circus.

 

“Did I just make the stoic Bae Joohyun smile?” Joy whispers mischievously.

 

Irene rolls her eyes at her before turning to take another box from Amber, a unicyclist. “Don’t be so full of yourself, Joy.”

 

“How can I not be when the stage name the circus gave me means I bring happiness to others?” she asks haughtily.

 

The reason why Park Sooyoung was given the stage name Joy isn’t because she brings Joy, but because that’s what they wanted her to bring to the wild animals. But Irene doesn’t bother replying, handing the box immediately to Taeyeon.

 

There’s no use arguing when Irene doesn’t think it’s a huge lie anyway. Joy does give joy to others.

 

“Joohyun.” Only one person calls her that around here. She looks up and finds Boa eyeing Joy and her frappe. “We’re getting three new recruits, okay? You’re in charge of touring them around and teaching them.”

 

She nods, smirking slightly at Joy’s uncomfortable shifting eyes, obviously avoiding Boa’s gaze. “Joy can help me.”

 

Joy’s eyes widen as Boa turns to look at Irene. “Oh, okay. Yeah, I, uh, I actually talked about wanting to help the three new recruits with Irene just a few moments ago.” Her smile is tight and eyes are burning as she stares at Irene. “They’re art students, aren't they?”

 

“Yeah, the kind that goes to huge art schools with expensive tuition and are joining the circus for ‘experience’,” Taeyeon answers with a scoff.

 

It’s no secret among the crew that they dislike that kind of recruits most. SM circus is in no way _small_. In fact, one might even say they’re the biggest circus in Korea. They have their own space by Han river, but, due to popular demand, tours half a year.

 

Those performing art students usually just join the circus to brag about the experience when they go back to their just-as-privileged schoolmates and director fathers. And more bragging rights if they joined _the_ circus.

 

And it’s no secret Joy hates them with passion.

 

(She still haven’t even warmed up to Taeyong, who left his mansion in Gangnam and his mother sobbing into her silk hankies to perform in the circus a year ago. He's nice, Taeyong.)

 

But Boa’s smiling silently and you don’t say no to a Boa like that.

 

She pats Joy’s shoulder and looks around proudly at the line of people handing boxes to each other, then says, “They live around here so they’re going to see first if they like being in a circus before deciding if they’ll join the rest of the tour. Give them a blast.”

 

And with that she leaves, half of the line watching her.

 

“Give them a blast? How do you even give privileged little kids a blast in a circus tour where we have to sleep in suffocating tour buses?”

 

Irene’s gaze flicks to Yerim. “I wonder if they’d sleep in a tour bus too, or just sleep in their own houses.”

 

A mischievous glint makes Joy’s eyes look even more devilish than usual as she grabs a popper from Yerim.

 

“How ‘bout we _make_ them sleep in the tour bus with us? It isn’t the real deal if they don’t, and we should be allowed to not accept recruits so we don’t end up with half-assed street magic.” Yerim practically growls as Joy sends her a wink; Joy raises the popper. “And we can give them a blast.”

 

Irene knows that look, Yerim does too. Heck, even _Boa_ would know that look on Joy—it means she’s about to make someone’s life miserable. That’s the look she had on when Taeyong first joined, and that look only vanished when the poor boy cried to Leeteuk.

 

Joy having that look today can only mean bad news for the three recruits, but weirdly enough, Irene doesn’t scold her.

 

Taeyeon’s emo ass even laughs.

 

 

-

 

 

Since they’re a huge circus, they sometimes sell tickets so people can watch their practices. Obviously they can’t show the behind-the-scenes of magic tricks, so those are for in between practices instead.

 

Irene watches as Yerim manages to make a rose appear from behind a girl’s ear. It’s that girl who goes to all of their shows to watch Yerim but never actually talked to her—and Yerim, that little girl, just flirts with her all the time during magic tricks in practices because that’s the time Heechul lets her take over the show.

 

And, _magically_ , an expensive VIP ticket always makes itself to the girl’s purse.

 

Yerim enters backstage with a sly smile. “Did you see that?”

 

“You flirting with the girl?” Irene asks with a roll of her eyes as she adjusts her clothes. “When will you ever ask for her name, anyway?”

 

“Not that,” Yerim says, completely ignoring the last part. “I just stole one guy’s wallet.”

 

Irene _did_ see that. It was that guy beside the girl Yerim is crushing on, and she saw how subtly Yerim took his wallet as she leaned in towards the girl to flirt excessively. “You’re gonna have to give that back, Yerim.”

 

“Says who?” is her snappy reply.

 

“Says me.”

 

They both turn to find Victoria standing tall with her hand on her hip. She’s one of the acrobats and does trapeze with Irene.

 

And it’s no secret Victoria’s the second most intimidating lady after Boa, just above Irene. Yerim’s face darkens as Victoria holds out her hand, and she reluctantly hands her the wallet.

 

“Her name’s Kim Saeron,” says Victoria, looking out the curtains.

 

Yerim’s eyebrows twitch a little but she purses her lips and doesn’t reply.

 

So, Irene does it for her. “How did you know?”

 

Victoria smiles her way. “This little girl’s crush on that girl is the talk of the circus, ain’t it? Being the most _loved_ —” she pinches Yerim’s cheeks, a habit of hers, “—little girl, people are bound to go out of their way to give her happiness.”

 

Taemin arrives with Ten, another two of the acrobats who stay on the ground as Victoria and Irene fly around on ropes. “Heechul stole her wallet and took a picture of her identification card.”

 

At this, Yerim turns to glare. “You can’t do that!”

 

Chuckling, Victoria waves the wallet in the air. “You can’t do that?”

 

Yerim’s face darkens once more and Irene laughs at the pout that appears. Victoria does too, and Taemin and Ten chuckle to themselves before getting ready to run into the stage.

 

“Amber asked her out on a date for you,” Victoria says, nudging Yerim. “Lake, later this night. I’ll prepare a meal, Taeyeon will serenade, and we’ll even light up lamps.”

 

“Okay, but don’t you think I should at least meet her parents first before I fucking _propose_?” Yerim steps back to glare, face bewildered. “This is going to be our first date and you’re lighting up lamps, and preparing a meal, and serenading? A simple movie date would suffice.”

 

 _“Acrobats team, please get ready,”_ Leeteuk’s voice booms from the speakers.

 

Ten and Taemin stand taller, waiting for the cue. Even during practices, they give their all — especially when there are audiences.

 

Yerim grabs onto Victoria’s arm pleadingly. “Don’t embarrass me in front of her later, _please_. Just… I don’t know. A movie would be enough.”

 

“Who said we won’t be setting up a projector under the stars? Who said we won’t be preparing Minho’s pick-up truck so you can sit on the trunk?”

 

“Don’t you think it’s too much?” Yerim asks, this time to Irene.

 

She shrugs. “You’ve always been one to overreact, Yerm. Sweep her off her feet on the first day. Besides, you’ve been flirting with her this whole tour _and_ she’s been to all of our shows just to see _you_. You’re both extra.”

 

“A perfect pair,” Victoria adds just as Taemin and Ten run in.

 

Yerim stays quiet, gaze darting around—in deep thought. Then, just as Victoria and Irene walk closer to the curtains, says, “Fine, but I remember she once said that she likes seafood.”

 

“How do you even know that?”

 

Sheepishly shrinking away, Yerim admits, “I ask her questions before magic tricks and keep track of them for when I finally ask her out.” She smiles widely as both Irene and Victoria stare at her before running away.

 

“She’s…”

 

“Whipped?” Irene offers.

 

Victoria smiles, nodding. “Too whipped. And also, stupid. Why did she never ask for her name and number, then?”

 

Irene shrugs. “She can’t think straight when she’s in front of that girl—Saeron, is it?”

 

“Ah, young love.”

 

The beat changes. Suddenly, Victoria’s eyes change and she’s not smiley and motherly anymore. She throws the wallet to Chanyeol, who is manning the sounds.

 

Then both her and Irene take a deep breath, wait a few seconds as Taemin and Ten finish their opening sequence.

 

And then run out to the cheers.

 

 

-

 

 

Even practices are crowded.

 

They only sell the lower seats, but the lower seats are always sold out. Sometimes, Kangta sells the seats in the middle, too.

 

Today, the seats in the middle are just as crowded, the stage isn’t even decorated yet, and the seats aren’t arranged properly.

 

But it’s a full house, and Irene’s heart swells at the children with their parents, pointing every time she and Victoria meet in the middle to hold hands and twirl around before letting go. She stares amusedly at the girls squealing as Ten and Taemin do flips and their dance routine.

 

But it’s a head with purple hair that catches her eye.

 

Seated in the middle of two extremely happy looking people—one a girl with a really pretty smile, another a boy with awe in his eyes—she’s clasping her hands together as Taemin throws Ten to the air to grab onto Victoria’s rope.

 

There’s concern in her eyes that disappears the moment Ten’s safely holding on to the rope. He raises his arms and waves his hand, smiling cutely at the audience.

 

And that’s Irene’s cue.

 

She jumps off her platform, all fears of high places gone as long as she’s holding onto her trapeze, and swings down to get to the other side, landing on her feet right in front of the three.

 

As if on slow motion, the girl looks up, still awed, and Irene’s met with beautiful wide eyes and a really pretty face framed with purple hair.

 

And, when her gaze meets the girl’s, she thinks maybe the butterfly is still alive somewhere in her stomach, wings fluttering around her insides, tickling her into a smile.

 

 

-

 

 

Victoria taps her shoulder when they enter backstage. “You blanked out for a moment there, Bae. What happened?”

 

Her mind immediately goes back to the striking green contact lenses that go so well with the purple hair and pale skin. And the half second she spent staring before swinging back so Taemin could grab her ankles and they could end practice.

 

She shakes her head. “Lack of sleep. Joy and Yerim were talking too loud in our bus.”

 

Victoria eyes her for a moment before shrugging. “Get some sleep before our first show tomorrow night.” She throws a look over her shoulder at the door leading outside the arena. “Although I highly doubt any of us will be able to sleep.”

 

“At least we’re not parked near a forest this time.” Their last stopover was in an unknown town with little space and Irene couldn’t sleep at all knowing there’s a huge forest right behind them. “It’s the sea, this time.”

 

Yerim appears behind Irene and throws her arm over her shoulder. “Why don’t they just rent good hotels for us? We’re raking in money, anyway.”

 

“Because renting good hotel rooms for more than thirty performers—add in the crew in charge of the booths—every night for half a year just isn’t ideal.”

 

“Also, Kangta won’t spend that much money on us, _ever_. He even got our tour buses secondhand.”

 

Irene nods at Victoria. “I’ve known Kangta since I was ten and he’d rather sleep outside than sleep in a good hotel room and spend money. It’s one of those things brought to you by living in the streets for too long. You just learn to be thrifty.”

 

“That’s not just thrifty.” Yerim sighs. “And I always get the worst case scenario which is staying in a bunk above Joy’s. She _speaks_ in her _sleep_ , Irene, and you’re lucky enough you sleep across our bunks. _‘Tigers are just oversized kittens,’_ from below me _every_ 3 am.”

 

“At least I don’t stay up all night waiting for some girl to text me when she doesn’t even know my name,” a new voice interferes. Joy walks towards them with a scowl directed at Yerim, her pet tiger right behind her.

 

Exhaling haughtily, Yerim raises her chin. “I’m having a romantic first date with the said girl later tonight, though. So, sucks to be _you_.”

 

“Sucks to be _you_. You didn’t even ask her out yourself, and Amber didn’t even tell her she’s going on a date. She just told her to go to the lake later tonight for a surprise.” Joy smirks. “Suspicious, and anyone with enough sense would rather not go than risk getting murdered.”

 

Yerim’s chin slowly lowers until she’s glaring up at a cocky Joy. “I hope your dog bites you,” she spits before turning around to walk away.

 

Victoria shakes her head before leaving them, and Irene just laughs as Joy screams, “Changie is _not_ a _dog_! He’s a tiger!” after Yerim.

 

She pushes Joy’s shoulder to get her attention. “Meet me _right_ after you finish your practice, okay? We gotta tour the newbies around.”

 

“Can I order Changie to maul them?”

 

“Changie’s a kitten,” Irene says, stepping back from the huge animal. She’s scared of them, and only trusts them a few steps away from her with either Joy or Boa in between. “And I’m pretty sure ordering your pet tiger to maul a stranger is against the law.”

 

“Not if no one ever finds out,” Joy says under her breath, thoughtfully. Something tells Irene that Joy’s not thinking of mauling the newbies, but Yerim instead. Joy adds, “I can’t believe she called him a dog.”

 

Assumption confirmed. Irene rolls her eyes. “Right after you finish your practice, Joy. I won’t wait for you.”

 

“I don’t even want to be there.”

 

“ _Boa_ wants you to be there,” Irene reminds her, making her frown. “In the common tent, okay?”

 

“Fine, mom.”

 

“Call me that one more time and I’ll poison Changie.”

 

Joy glares at her, stepping closer to Changie protectively. “Don’t even joke about that. Go away!”

 

Irene sticks her tongue out at her before leaving backstage and making her way towards the common tent.

 

The common tent is kinda like a hang-out tent right behind the stage tent. It’s where they rest in between shows instead of going back to the buses, and is filled with chairs of all sorts bought from thrift stores in every city. There’s a whole truck just for the stuff inside the common tent.

 

Irene enters the tent, pulling her phone out of her pocket as she walks towards the biggest couch in the middle. She plops down and opens her contacts, looking for the number Boa had sent her earlier. One of the pros of Kangta being ‘thrifty’ is they get to keep their whole salary and not give up a fraction for the betterment of the circus.

 

A con is that they were made to grow up thrifty and none of them—even though they’re what you can call ‘rich’—are willing to pay for their own hotel rooms and stay complaining in tour bunks.

 

She sends the number a text ( _‘please meet me at the common tent’_ ) before opening her Instagram account and mindlessly looking through the pictures. She’s not one to post pictures, but she always did like looking through pictures taken by other people.

 

Not to be cheesy, but it’s like looking through the eyes of another. And Irene likes that.

 

She gets a text just when she’s about to hit the heart on Boa’s post of the whole crew from their last show at their last stop.

 

_Unknown number: who is this?_

 

So maybe Irene should’ve introduced herself first.

 

_I’m Irene Bae. Boa assigned me and a friend to tour you around and help you out._

 

Not even a moment later, she gets a reply. And filled with lots of emojis at that.

 

_Unknown number: Oh!!! I’m Son Seungwan! My friends and I are watching the practice, we were told to do so. Should we finish this animal act? ~~~ Seungwan_

 

Seungwan sounds like a boy name. Irene already hates them. She saves the contact as SON Seungwan before replying.

 

_Please meet me now. I’m going to tour you around the common tent while we wait for my friend._

 

She gets an _‘okokokok ~~~Seungwan’_. She immediately swipes that off her notifs and goes back to looking through her feed.

 

Since she follows mostly the crew, the feed is filled with pictures from their last stop. There’s a video of Heechul drunkenly trying to make everyone else drink, calling everyone _‘oppa’_ and _‘unnie’_ , and Irene quickly presses the heart before saving the video. There’s a picture of the crew packing up from Leeteuk, a whole ass paragraph underneath about how much he loves being the MC of the show and being part of the family or whatever.

 

And there’s a series of pictures of Joy, from her biting into a sandwich, spitting it out, looking up, standing, and then glaring into the screen from Yerim with the caption ‘moments before I died, through my eyes. Ps, can’t post the vid because there was a LOT of profanity and gore and death’.

 

A text arrives just as Irene presses the heart.

 

 _SON Seungwan_ : _uhhhhh, we’re lost ~~~Seungwan_

 

She replies: _back of the huge tent, tell the guard you’re the newbies._

 

_SON Seungwan: ohhh, thanks ~~~Seungwan_

 

_SON Seungwan: but we don’t know where we are ~~~Seungwan_

 

Sure, the arena is huge and booths are already scattered around, but the tent is too big to not notice. Sighing, Irene stands and calls the number. She paces around, careful not to wake up a sleeping Haechan she just realized was there.

 

The rings stop and she almost yells into her phone, “Hello?”

 

 _“Hello?”_ the voice is timid and soft, and Irene’s anger— _frustration_ —slowly disappears, taken aback at the voice that obviously belongs to a woman.

 

She bites back a sigh. “Where are you?”

 

_“Uh, I think we’re in the middle of, uh, metals. And stuff.”_

 

“What do you mean?”

 

 _“This looks like a dump for broken parts of amusement park rides,”_ the voice says.

 

Irene sighs. “You’re in the middle of _working_ amusement park rides yet to be pieced together.” After hearing a small _‘oh’_ , she asks, “How did you get there? That’s _outside_. The crew won’t be putting those together until later this afternoon.”

 

_“A girl with short blonde hair told us to go out towards the buses. I think she’s the magician? The one who conjured the rose?”_

 

It’s obvious who Seungwan is talking about. And that girl walks in the tent as if on cue, focused on her phone and unaware of anything else.

 

“Kim Yerim.”

 

_“What?”_

 

She ignores Seungwan and glares at Yerim instead, who looks up lazily from her phone. “What?” she drawls.

 

“What did you do to the newbies?”

 

Yerim blinks, looking really confused. Then she opens her mouth and nods. “Ah, them. Sent them to the tour buses, why?”

 

Irene raises her phone and sets it to speaker mode. “Seungwan, how did you ask for help?”

 

Yerim quirks an eyebrow at the phone.

 

_“Uh, she was standing outside and we knew she was the magician, so we asked her where the common tent was.”_

 

“Is _this_ not the common tent, Yerim?”

 

Unfazed, Yerim shrugs. “I thought they meant, like, common area. So, I sent them to the tour bunks. It’s not that far away anyway, and they can easily make their way in.”

 

“Go bring them here, Yerim.”

 

“Why me?”

 

“Because _you’re_ the one who brought them there, bring them _back_.”

 

_“Uh, someone already found us and is leading us back to the tent. Don’t worry.”_

 

Irene glares at a smug Yerim. “Okay. Bye.”

 

 _“B—_ ”

 

She hangs up then throws her phone to the couch. “Why would you do that?”

 

“I don’t like art students,” Yerim answers easily, shrugging. She sits on the couch, going back to doing whatever it is she was doing on her phone.

 

“I don’t like them much either, but at least try to _hide_ it, you asstwat. If Boa finds out we’re pulling pranks on the newbies, she’d lock us in with her boa.”

 

Yerim groans. “I’ll try to keep the pranking to a minimum, geez. Don’t tell Boa.”

 

“New meat coming through!” Yerim, Irene, and Haechan all look up abruptly to find Heechul grinning widely at them. “Don’t you just _love_ Mean Girls references?”

 

“That was hardly a reference,” Yerim grumbles.

 

Haechan sits up and glares at Heechul. “Thank you for waking me up.”

 

“You’re welcome,” Heechul replies cheekily, waving a hand in the air. He turns around to face the entrance. “I present to you, the newbies.”

 

A tall guy with the softest looking hair that falls over his sharp eyes walks in. He’s familiar, in some way. Probably in the crowd earlier.

 

“This is Johnny, but you can call him _daddy_.” Johnny smiles timidly, cheeks tinting red; Yerim snorts as Irene just rolls her eyes. “He’s a dancer, will probably be added to the dance crew.” Heechul snaps his finger and another person walks in.

 

This time it’s a girl, and more familiar. She has a smile that makes her eyes disappear and she’s looking around shyly. Irene’s heart beats louder.

 

“This girl is Seulgi. I’ve seen her dance during her audition, and I honestly think she’d fit in best with the fire breathers.” He grins. “Also ‘cause, you know, she’s a hottie.” He pushes her towards Johnny with a wink, then snaps his hand once more.

 

And Irene’s heart almost beats itself out of the cage at the last person. _Of course_. In walks in the purple haired girl, looking as breathtaking in the ugly lights of the common tent.

 

“This is Seungwan, a singer. Boa’s thinking of making her perform with the other singers, but they perform musical type songs and it’d take weeks to learn them and they might only stay for this two weeks in this town, so she’ll be performing with Taeil in between acts.” Heechul smiles, guiding Seungwan to the side with his hand. “Purple hair looks _amazing_ on you, by the way.”

 

Seungwan shyly makes her way towards the other two, muttering, “Thanks.”

 

“Did you have to introduce them so dramatically?” Yerim asks.

 

“That was hardly dramatic, Yerm.” He turns to the newbies. “These are Yerim, Haechan, and Irene. A street magician, a dancer, and an acrobat. You’ll have to meet about thirty more of the crew, so you don’t need to remember all their names.” He claps his hand all business-like and fake. “I gotta go. You children go socialize.” He twirls around gracefully before exiting the tent.

 

Irene looks away from the entrance with a frown and finds the three smiling at them, and Seungwan looking at her. The butterfly flutters around once more, because that _smile_ should be a whole act itself. It’s magical.

 

She clears her throat. “We’re waiting for my friend,” she says, trying hard not to stare at Seungwan. “Her name’s Joy and she’s the one with the tiger.” Her gaze flicks unconsciously to Seungwan, and she looks away just as fast.

 

“That’s fine. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

 

“Glad you know,” Yerim muses. Haechan snorts.

 

Seulgi blinks. “What?”

 

“Glad you know you’re an inconvenience.” She smiles sweetly at the confused look Seulgi gives her and the quirk of the eyebrow from Johnny. “How did your parents react to you three joining the circus?”

 

“They supported me wholeheartedly,” says Seulgi in a proud voice.

 

Johnny shrugs. “They don’t really mind.”

 

Everyone’s attention turns to Seungwan, who slightly sways backwards in shyness. “Uh, they don’t know I’m joining the circus.”

 

“A rebel,” Yerim breathes out, pointing at Seungwan. “I like you, because you’re probably going to be kicked out of your mansion and need to live with the circus. Don’t worry, we get huge pay and can be called superstars—especially since people are so into circuses these days. You’ll manage.”

 

“The only bad side is the tour,” Haechan adds. “We sleep in tour buses, live off of convenience store food, share Wi-Fi between all half a hundred of us.” He squints, leaning against the back of the couch. “Can you royalties handle that?”

 

They all say yes in unison, staring back at Haechan determinedly.

 

Haechan shrugs, plopping back down the couch behind the bigger couch. “You’ll regret it once you room with Baekhyun. All that boy does is chatter all night long. Rumor says Do Kyungsoo’s ears even bled one time.”

 

“Stop scaring the newbies,” Irene scolds tiredly. It’s really hard to tell off Haechan and Yerim when they’re being assholes, but even more so when they’re together. “Circus is fun,” she says dully.

 

“That might be the most lifeless statement from you, Irene,” Yerim points out with a smirk. “Even more lifeless than that time you were asked by an interviewer if you had time for dating in between tours and if you thought any of the male crew is cute and you said _‘oh yeah, men,’_.”

 

She chucks a pillow at Yerim, but the girl is still grinning madly when the pillow falls. “Where _is_ Joy?”

 

As if on cue, Joy arrives with Changie. “Missed me, Bae?”

 

Yerim bolts out of her seat and walks towards the farthest armchair, glaring at Joy, who only laughs amusedly.

 

She doesn’t have time for whatever is it Joy did to Yerim, or whatever it is she said—or anything that involves both of them, so she just steps back from the tiger and gestures towards the newbies, who are staring wide-eyed at the tiger so near them.

 

“They’re the newbies: Johnny, Seulgi, Seungwan.”

 

Joy walks Changie to the far right of the tent, where his cage is. She secures the lock, ruffles his fur, then stands to scrutinize the newbies. “James, Selene, and Sooyeon, was it?”

 

“Johnny, Seulgi, Seungwan,” Seungwan clarifies with a smile, as Johnny glares at Joy.

 

Joy disregards both of them with a wave. “The name’s Park Sooyoung, called Joy when I joined the circus, and now called ParkSoo by my fans. I tame wild animals, dance with them and all that—if you touch a whisker on Changie, I _will_ make sure you don’t get to come home to your castles unscathed.”

 

“That will _obviously_ happen if anyone touches Changie, he’s a full grown tiger.”

 

Once again, Joy disregards whoever it is talking to her—this time, Irene—and takes a step towards the three. She points to Seungwan. “What’s your act?”

 

“I’m a musician,” she answers, and Irene almost nods. Her _voice_ is undoubtedly music.

 

Joy scoffs. “We have way too many musicians now.” She points at Johnny. “You?”

 

“I dance,” he replies, even waving his body with a grin.

 

This time, Joy sighs. “That was the worst body wave I’ve seen.” Her finger moves slowly and this time, she points to Seulgi. “You?”

 

“I also dance, and they’ll put me in the fire breathers crew, they said.”

 

Joy’s eyes darken. “I _hate_ fire.”

 

“Everyone hates fire,” Seulgi says meekly. She shrugs. “They’re… scary.”

 

“And my whole family died in one when I was 10, leaving me orphaned and scared in the streets. I lived _in_ a zoo from when I was 10 until one of the baby cubs escaped and I was the one who got it without needing to kill, and Irene just so happened to be there. I was thirteen.”

 

Seulgi shrinks back a little at every word, and by the time Joy’s done, she’s behind both Johnny and Seungwan. “I’m so sorry.”

 

The tension is thick and Joy is breathing heavily. Haechan and Yerim are quiet and that’s a clear indication of them being uncomfortable. Family is a pretty sore topic in the circus, where people are either orphaned from young or disowned. There are few lucky ones who are here with supportive parents.

 

She speaks, “We’ll tour you around when the rides are up. Uh, food is free, we have snacks here in the common tent and in the buses. Practices are every morning until early afternoon. We have a tight schedule, so you better be here on time. If you miss a meal, they won’t give it to you.”

 

“Are you going to sleep in the buses?” Yerim asks.

 

“We are, I think,” Seungwan answers for all three. “We packed clothes and everything, but we’re not so sure if you have space for us.”

 

“We have too much space in our bus, but Johnny might need to look for a bus with an empty bunk.” She takes her phone from the couch and gestures for Yerim and Joy. “Let’s go take them to the buses.”

 

“We’ve just been there,” Johnny grumbles under his breath.

 

Irene scowls. “Are you complaining?”

 

“Yeah, it’s _her_ fault we went there, anyway,” he says, pointing to Yerim.”And if it wasn’t for Heechul, we would still be there.”

 

Yerim grins infuriatingly. “Shouldn’t you blame Heechul for bringing you here, then?”

 

“Just shut up, please,” Irene begs with sigh. It’s not even an hour yet and she’s already tired of everyone all together like this. “Let’s go to the tour buses and get you three settled in. We’re supposed to help decorate the stage later.” Her gaze flicks to Yerim. “And help a lovesick turtle on her first date.”

 

 

-

 

 

Irene somehow ended up having Seungwan as her bunk mate. There are three bunks on each side of the bus, and Yeri already has the highest bunk of the right side, and Joy has the one underneath hers. Seulgi chose the one above Irene’s, and Seungwan was left with the one directly across Irene’s.

 

With the curtain rods broken on _all_ bunks except Yerim’s, Irene has no choice but to see Seungwan every night for the rest of the two weeks sleeping across her, with too little space between them for Irene to handle.

 

Not that she _likes_ Seungwan. She just thinks she’s pretty. And Irene’s gaze is dragged on like a magnet to girls as pretty as Seungwan.

 

And girls who have the same voice as Seungwan.

 

Her ears perk up as she’s making sure the ropes are in the right places. One of the many cons of a moving circus is having to arrange everything once they get to their destination and make sure everything looks tight while also adding something new every time they move to another place, so people keep going even though they’ve seen it once or twice.

 

Irene always hated the designing part. Most of the performing crew usually gather together to help out, and that makes the work easier; but that also makes it _noisier_.

 

For example, just during their pack up last destination, Taeyeon and Heechul ended up screaming at each other about god knows what that started with Heechul stealing a few of Taeyeon’s gummy bears. The stop before that, Changmin had made everyone sing along to Bohemian Rhapsody and made them all start from the top every time the harmonization was off.

 

This time, Yeri and Haechan are bickering over who finished one pole and who’s going to decorate the other alone, and Kyungsoo’s glaring at a screaming Chanyeol who’s faking his agony as he grabs onto his side.

 

But Seungwan’s right beside her, helping Joy with the chairs nearby, and she’s singing softly to herself calmly, and Irene’s just _tired_ of straining her ear to hear more.

 

“Why are you whispering?” she asks.

 

Seungwan turns to her with wide eyes. “Me? Is it bothering you? I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s not,” she assures immediately, almost shyly. Joy furrows her brows at her. “I just… what’s the song?”

 

“The one I was singing? Uh, it’s by Trevor Wesley.”

 

Irene cocks an eyebrow, waiting for the title.

 

Seungwan’s eyes widen once more, and it’s just adorable how they keep doing that. “Title’s Boom Chica Boom.”

 

She nods, feigning disinterest. Joy’s lips curl at her before she rolls her eyes and goes back to decorating. “You have a nice voice,” she tells Seungwan quietly, gaze on the ropes secured. She peeks through the corner of her eyes to find Seungwan grinning.

 

“Thanks. I mean, it’s not the best, but thanks.”

 

“I never said it was the best,” she says sharply, meant to be teasing but she was taken aback by the adorable stuttering of the purple haired girl. It’s almost like her purple hair’s the only badass thing about her; everything else just screams adorable. “But it’s one of the best I’ve heard.”

 

Seungwan turns red again, but she can’t fight the smile on her lips. “That’s such a huge compliment considering you’re in a circus with all these talented people. I don’t think I deserve that compliment but both Johnny and Seulgi have chastised me before about not accepting compliments, so thank you.” Her hands fly all around, eyes expressive, almost breathlessly.

 

It makes Irene’s lips twitch. “You talk a lot.”

 

“I’m sorry!” she almost screams, alarming Yerim, who’s sitting on one of the chairs and talking to Joy.

 

This time, Irene lets the smile appear. “It’s not annoying.” After some thought, she adds, “It’s cute.”

 

“Get a room,” Yerim snaps at them as she walks past them, phone in hand. “You’re making me sick.”

 

Irene’s eyes roll upwards for the thirteenth time that day. “Sorry for _talking_ , Yerim.”

 

“Apology accepted,” Yerim says, patting Irene’s head teasingly. She hops off the chair and lands right beside Haechan, frowning at the ribbon he’s tying around the pole. “The ribbons should be at 30 degrees, that’s 35. Honestly, it’s like you’re not even trying.” She tsks as she sashays away and leaves the stage.

 

Haechan glowers after her. “One of these days, I _swear_ I’m going to poison her sushi.”

 

“I sincerely hope that’s sometime soon,” Joy quips, making Haechan, Irene, and Seungwan turn to her. “Pro tip, I heard from someone that they’ll be having sushi later on her date. Falling during the best moment of her life, _romantic_ , ain’t it?”

 

Irene laughs at the amused expression on Seungwan’s face. “You’re amused now but when Yerim gets comfortable enough to disturb you all day long, you’d volunteer to join.”

 

Seungwan’s eyes dart around the stage, at everyone working together—not in perfect harmony, really, but in a more chaotic way, still in harmony, though. Then, she says, “It’s, uh, the circus is fun.”

 

“Did you think it won’t be?”

 

“No,” Seungwan’s gaze snaps back to Irene, but she doesn’t seem embarrassed anymore “I expected this, but it was so much more than what I did expect.” She clears her throat. “It’s a pretty sight.”

 

“What is?”

 

Seungwan gestures vaguely around the stage. “Everything.” She gets an almost melancholic look on her face, lips pursed but smiling, eyes soft.

 

“It is a pretty sight,” Irene mutters, staring at Seungwan. The butterfly is making her say this, but Seungwan is a pretty sight.

 

 

-

 

 

Saeron, as it turns out, is a mess.

 

Even from the little wooden boat Seungwan and Irene are sharing, they can see she’s as much of a mess as Yerim is.

 

She arrived exactly the moment it turned 7:30 pm, a bundle of nerves and scarves and red cheeks. Yerim had stood up, opened her mouth as if to say something, then gestured to the seat before sitting down.

 

It’s been five minutes and they’re still trying not to look at each other and not touching the food. Irene can hear Victoria whining about the food being better hot, and can see Soojung drowning out the whines by plugging in her earphones.

 

“This is frustrating,” Joy says as the boat she’s sharing with Seulgi and Johnny floats to where Seungwan and Irene are. “Are they just going to sit there doing nothing? Can we at least start the movie while they’re dealing with the awkwardness?”

 

“I think it’s cute,” Seulgi mutters beside her, smiling up at the two girls still fiddling with their hands under the table. “They’re acting that way because they genuinely like each other. Look at their cheeks, they’re pinkish.”

 

Joy frowns at her. “You think everything’s cute. You called Changie cute, you called Boa’s snake cute. You called Jisung cute.”

 

Seulgi frowns back at her, but in confusion. “Changie _is_ cute, isn’t he?”

 

“Yeah,” Joy scoffs, “but if you keep on calling everything cute, then _nothing_ is cute.”

 

Nodding, Seulgi smiles. “You’re cute, too.”

 

Irene coughs at the shock that appears on Joy’s face, her cheeks tinted pink. Joy quickly recovers and flicks her hair off her shoulder—which is stupid because her hair doesn’t even _reach_ her shoulders. “I am, thank you.”

 

Seulgi just grins amusedly at her, and Johnny—poor him—just hugs himself tighter.

 

There’s movement by the corner of Irene’s eyes and she swivels to find Haechan getting off his boat and on land. The lake quiets down as Haechan makes his way towards the table, everyone waiting for whatever it is he’s going to do to sabotage the date.

 

But he takes a white towel off his back pocket, takes off his jacket to reveal a pressed suit over his shorts, and steps in the platform with the table with the towel over his forearm. He leans closer to Yerim, says something, then nods at Saeron before leaving.

 

“Hi,” Yerim finally says as Haechan steps off.

 

“Hi,” Saeron replies.

 

Yerim reaches out a hand. “I’m Kim Yerim, magician.”

 

“She’s not allowed to call herself a magician yet,” Joy mutters. “Wait ‘til Heechul hears about this.”

 

“Kim Saeron,” Saeron replies, shaking Yerim’s hand. ( _“This is making me cringe,”_ comes Joy’s unnecessary commentary.) “A huge fan.”

 

“Me too.”

 

Saeron’s lips quirk upwards. “Of what?”

 

“You.”

 

“Oh my _god_ ,” Joy and Seulgi simultaneously exclaim. Even Irene’s jaw drops.

 

Seungwan chuckles softly, clasping her hands together. “That’s so annoyingly cute. And you said she didn’t ask her out herself?”

 

Irene nods. “Just flirts with her all the time during paid practices. _Where_ did she get the courage to say that?”

 

It seems to have worked, though, because Saeron’s cheeks turn a deeper shade of red and she swats at the air shyly. “Shut up.”

 

And then they’re laughing together, and Yerim says sorry for not asking her out herself, and Saeron just replies with a soft ‘at least we’re on a date now’.

 

Victoria raises a hand in the air, and all the other boats float near the table. Seungwan positions herself against her guitar. Everyone prepares themselves, and at Victoria’s cue, Taeyeon starts singing, and Irene and the others light up their lamps.

 

Saeron flinches back at the sudden sound, and her lips slowly turn into a smile and she’s staring quietly at the lights and swaying lightly to the song. “This is beautiful.”

 

Yerim turns around on her seat to watch the others, and that might be the most loving gaze Yerim had ever given them. She smiles at them, mouths a thank you, then says, “They are.”

 

Irene sways to the music, too, softly singing along. They’re all trained to sing because they do special musical shows every tour. Taeyeon leads them well, voice louder than the others’. Taeil is strumming his guitar as he sings, Seohyun’s playing the keyboard near the table, and Chanyeol’s tapping on his beatbox.

 

Seungwan’s playing her guitar while also singing along, and Irene can’t help but stare at her as they all sing, can’t help the smile lifting her lips at Seungwan feeling the song. There is passion, there is love. It reminds Irene of herself when she first joined the circus.

 

Irene is almost jealous that Seungwan’s still passionate about her craft, but she can’t force herself to be jealous when it looks so pretty on Seungwan.

 

She smiles to herself as she sings along, sways along, and keeps her gaze on the singing Seungwan.

 

A pretty sight, indeed.

 

 

-

 

 

Seulgi snores in her sleep.

 

Yerim is still awake in the living room of the tour bus, texting with Saeron or whatever; Joy is asleep with her earphones plugged in; and Seungwan is lying with her back to Irene.

 

It seems like Irene’s the only one bothered by the helicopter sounds above her.

 

She gives up on trying to sleep and gets off her bed, scowling at a peacefully sleeping Seulgi as soon as she stands. “I know you have a pretty voice, but you don’t need to use it when you’re _sleeping_ ,” she whispers exasperatedly.

 

She checks her phone and finds it’s a few minutes before midnight, and her stomach is growling. Yerim didn’t leave them any food and made Saeron take home what was left, and everyone who went to the lake had missed dinner.

 

Off to the trusty convenience store, then. She grabs her jacket and her wallet before making her way to the exit.

 

But a voice stops her. “Can I come with?”

 

She turns around and finds Seungwan peeking out of her bunk. “You’re awake.”

 

“It’s hard to sleep when there’s a war in Seulgi’s throat,” Seungwan deadpans, sliding out of her bunk. She stands and faces Irene, face devoid of any makeup and hair up in a messy bun.

 

What an unfairly pretty look.

 

“I’m going to the convenience store to get something to eat. We don’t have anything left on the fridge.”

 

“I’ll come with.” Seungwan pokes her head back in her bunk and later emerges with her phone and wallet. When she stands and finds Yerim’s bunk empty, she asks, “Where’s Yerim?”

 

Irene shrugs. “Probably flirting with Saeron on the phone. She sleeps at 4 am anyway.”

 

“Don’t we have practice at 8?”

 

She shrugs again. “She’s one of those who get away with anything. If it wasn’t obvious enough, she’s the baby. Not the youngest, but the baby. Explains why everyone was so willing to help with her date.”

 

Seungwan nods, following Irene down the hall. “Yeah, she does seem like the type.”

 

“Type to what? Be a baby?” Irene queries with a chuckle. They stop by the end of the bedroom, both staring at the sight before them.

 

There, on the couch, is Yerim bundled up in a baby pink blanket, phone in her hand as she lies against one of Joy’s plushies—the one that looks like a rolled up panda, cheek squished against it.

 

“She’s so cute,” Seungwan gushes softly.

 

Irene scoffs, stepping in the living room. “Only because she’s asleep.” She smiles to herself, though, as she pries the phone from Yerim’s hand and places it on the table, making sure it’s plugged in, before fixing the blanket and making sure she’s not sleeping in an uncomfortable position.

 

She spends maybe a few seconds staring fondly at her and mulling it over how _this_ girl grew up with the circus, a few years after Irene joined—the youngest recruit ever, and she has grown in front of their eyes. And now she’s going on dates and talking to girls and actually being a softie.

 

Then she gets a grip of herself and walks towards the door, ignoring the smile she feels Seungwan directing at her as she opens it.

 

The cold air hits her immediately and she digs her hands in her pockets. Seungwan jumps off after her and breathes out. “Wow, the stars are so pretty.”

 

Irene glances at her before looking up at the stars, all sprinkled above and endless. “Yeah, they are.” She rolls her shoulders, stuffing her hands deeper, before asking, “Where’s the nearest convenience store?”

 

“Follow me.”

 

 

-

 

 

 

The convenience store, a five minute walk from the arena, is as empty as Irene had suspected.

 

Convenience stores make Irene vulnerable. She spent more time spilling her heart out here than anywhere else, especially at night. This is where she first opened up to Joy and Yerim. This is where Joy first talked about the fire the killed her family.

 

Convenience stores, with the lull of the radio playing in the background and the busy street outside, does something to Irene’s heartstrings that makes her soft.

 

She tells Seungwan this as they arrange their chips, coffee, and noodles on the table between them.

 

Seungwan looks around the store: at the laughing cashiers behind the counter, talking animatedly to each other; at the couple sitting way too close to each other and whispering like they’re scared anyone else can hear—because the words should only be to each other; at the group of friends seemingly shopping for a sleepover, arguing over the kind of drinks they want to buy; and then, lastly, at Irene, who’s smiling at nowhere in particular, chin digging on her palm.

 

“It is soft. I’ve always had chats with friends in coffee shops, but this is soft, too. And it’s… it’s real, I guess.”

 

“Real?” Irene prods.

 

Seungwan nods. “Real. Like, in coffee shops it’s too quiet. People are afraid to speak louder than a soft hum. There are laptops on tables and pens on floors. Cakes and coffee between people. It all seems superficial to me. Too formal.” She takes a deep breath, almost like inhaling the scent of the store. “This is more intimate.”

 

Irene leans back on her seat, cup of coffee in her palms. She raises the cup, hiding her smile, then says, “You get it,” before taking a sip.

 

“You know what I’ve always wanted to do?”

 

“What?”

 

“Talk to a stranger about everything I’ve never got to tell anyone else.” Seungwan’s tongue darts out, licking her lips. “I want to tell a stranger about my biggest fears, about the things that hurt me the most. I want to tell a stranger about every small anecdote I have. Spend the whole night talking.”

 

She pries her gaze off of Seungwan’s mouth, then smiles. “I’m a stranger.”

 

“No, we’re going to be spending the next two weeks together.”

 

“I’ll tell you mine.”

 

Seungwan looks up. “What?”

 

“A story for a story. I’ll tell you mine, you tell me yours.”

 

Seungwan squints, mulling it over. Then she shrugs. “You start, then.”

 

“Okay,” she says softly, trying to think of anything she can say, “I was born as Bae _Joohyun_ , but I left that name when I joined the circus. Only Boa calls me that these days. Sometimes Joy and Yerim does, too.”

 

“Why don’t you use Joohyun anymore? It’s a pretty name.” Coming from Seungwan, it doesn’t seem like a lie at all.

 

She laughs softly before pursing her lips in a pout. She sighs. “It reminds me of home. Not circus home, but home that I left.” She blinks. “Home I was asked to leave,’ she corrects herself.

 

“You were asked to leave?”

 

“My parents were fighting, they always were. So, one night, they told me to leave. So I did.”

 

Seungwan blinks, nodding. She leans closer, eyes wide and sincerely interested.

 

Irene bites back the ache in her heart. “So, I did. I was nine, and I left. They didn’t come after me, and it was Boa who took me home. To the circus, of course.”

 

Getting courage from the way Seungwan is prodding her with her eyes, Irene continues her story. She tells Seungwan about Little Big Mouth, about having to stretch her legs over her head because Victoria is _too_ flexible and she needed to keep up. She tells her about their first sold out show, about Boa crying her eyes out and hugging them all tightly one by one.

 

She tells her about the others joining, little kids picked up from alleyways, grown adults auditioning for free food, and how each one of them somehow ended up being part of the family, like they always were. She tells her about how proud she feels every time the news talks about their circus beginning their tours, and the shows in Han river selling out quickly every time.

 

In turn, Seungwan talks about her passion for music. She talks about how she joined several musicals despite not knowing how to act or dance at first, and Seulgi teaching her every time. She talks about auditioning for the arts school with her singing and getting smiles from the judges, and the judges talking to her parents to let her enroll in the said school.

 

And Irene listens, and Seungwan listens. There are blank spaces in between, stuff they’re not going to tell even after the talks of ‘everything I’m scared to say’.

 

Irene understands. She’s too familiar with wanting to keep the deeper secrets underneath the shallow ones, making sure there are three groups of secrets: one to toss to people wanting to be friends; another to toss to friends wanting to be there for you; and the last group that can never be touched by another soul.

 

By the time Irene’s phone beeps, signaling her to wake up so she can watch the sunrise, there are tear tracks on their cheeks and they’re laughing way too hard about Irene’s story of Joy having a pet monkey once who always slept beside Yerim and scared the girl every time. There are four empty cups of coffee between them, empty packages of chips and snacks. The sun is about to rise outside, and Irene’s heart is beating too loudly thanks to the coffee.

 

But Seungwan’s laugh is addicting, and talking about everything is addicting, and Seungwan doesn’t feel like a stranger anymore. It’s rediscovering each other through stories. Painting lives before yesterday. _Being friends_. And Irene never thought she’d be able to be _friends_ with someone so fast, but she never thought anyone like Seungwan existed before either.

 

It’s the butterfly talking, intoxicated with coffee and lightheaded from no sleep, but Irene says, “I hope you decide to stay with the circus.”

 

And Seungwan smiles back at her, then says, “I hope so, too.”

 

Irene doesn’t know what that means, but she smiles back, gathers all the trash to throw, and walks out the store with Seungwan, gaze on the rising sun, still chattering with each other.

 

The butterfly reproduces, though Irene isn’t sure how, and now there are at least three swarming around her stomach, all excited and high, giggling to each other every time Seungwan barks out a laugh.

 

It’s the butterflies talking, but Irene _really_ thinks Seungwan might be what she can be passionate about in the circus, because the way passion oozes out of Seungwan’s eyes, the way she automatically smiles at the mention of the circus—Joohyun finds herself mimicking her each time.


	2. zero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: there will be mentions of mental illnesses although really light.

They don’t even get two hours of sleep before Joy wakes her up, shoving her and yelling, “It’s 6 am, time for breakfast!”

 

Joy shoves her one last time as soon as she opens her eyes before leaving the hall.

 

She shuts her eyes once she’s sure Joy won’t come back, almost drifts off to sleep with the distant sound of water running and Yerim and Joy arguing.

 

But then a shadow looms over her face and she opens one eye only to feel her heart burst at the face staring so closely. “Joy’s about to poison your coffee, I think we need to get going.”

 

She smiles up at her, stomach warm and butterflies sleepy. “Five more minutes.”

 

A smile lights up on her lips, and Joohyun finds herself mimicking her. “I would _love_ to but I have no say about this.”

 

“Seungwan, is she _still_ sleeping?!”

 

She raises an eyebrow as if to say ‘I told you so’ and Joohyun almost laughs. “Fine, I’m up.”

 

Seungwan sends her one last half smile, almost shyly, before pushing herself out of Joohyun’s bunk and leaving the hall.

 

Leaving Joohyun still on her bed, staring up at where the ghosts of Seungwan’s pretty, _pretty_ brown eyes—so sweet and soft compared to the green lenses—and trying to calm her heart.

 

The butterflies sigh.

 

 

-

 

 

Joohyun doesn’t really get crushes. She thinks she’s too old for all that crap, the 26 year old her; but she does know what a crush is, heard too many stories from the crew about how their hearts dance and their stomachs feel like campfires.

 

She knows about the flame between fingertips so dangerous even fire breathers flinch. She knows about the magical eyes that even Heechul doesn’t know the trick behind. She knows about the heart Boa never knew how to tame.

 

Victoria once told her the fall is more exhilarating than the first leap you take as a trapeze artist, heart bends in more ways an acrobat can.

 

Joohyun knows, but she can’t remember the last time she had a crush. She can’t remember the last time she looked into someone’s eyes and saw fire that reminds her of campfire. She can’t remember the last time she touched someone and looked for the trick because that electricity could not have come from skin alone.

 

But when her eyes meet Seungwan’s gaze from across the table at breakfast, she realizes maybe it’s different for every person. Maybe it’s a leap for Victoria, an untamed heart for Boa, and magical eyes for Heechul; but maybe hers is different.

 

Maybe hers are butterflies, a new one born every time her heart flutters.

 

 

-

 

 

Joy suggests they go around town after breakfast, still half an hour until practice; and Seulgi giddily offers to tour them.

 

Joohyun cocks an eyebrow at Joy leaning away from Seulgi, almost like she’s scared. But Joy doesn’t notice her, too absorbed by Seulgi’s smile crinkling her eyes.

 

Joohyun smiles.

 

“Does it ever occur to you that you act like their mom?”

 

She glares at Seungwan momentarily, not fighting the smile trying to appear on her lips. “I don’t have a daughter like Joy.”

 

Seungwan smiles back. “That’s what all moms say about their rebellious first child at some point in their lives.”

 

“I doubt that’s true…” she trails off, knowing her mother _did_ say that once about her. She brightens her smile, turns it up a notch, ignores the throb. “But… yeah, I do know I sometimes act like a mom.”

 

Her gaze lifts and lands on the two, shoving each other while bantering, as usual, as Seulgi and Johnny watch amusedly. Her heart warms.

 

“I think it’s cute.”

 

And Joohyun thinks that sets her heart ablaze, cranks up the volume of a love song in her stomach prompting the four butterflies to dance like they don’t care if they accidentally elbow her pancreas.

 

Meeting Seungwan’s sincere but teasing gaze just fans the flame and cranks the volume to maximum, bass thumping against the inside of her belly.

 

She scoffs, rolls her eyes, and says, “Are you calling me _cute_?”

 

This time, it’s Seungwan who looks flustered, swaying back and forgetting to walk as she stares at Joohyun. Then: “Yes,” she answers easily.

 

She glares, hopes the blush can be mistaken for not-warm, fluffy happiness. “You are, too.”

 

“ _Ugh_ , you’re _both_ just so _adorable_ ,” Yerim breaks into their bubble with her usual condescending voice. She smiles sweetly as Joohyun glares at her, because _way_ to ruin the moment, Yerm. She points to the thrift store she’s standing in front of. “Let’s go in.”

 

She winks obnoxiously at Joohyun before entering the shop, leaving Joohyun and Seungwan within their bubble, some kind of warm air filling it.

 

Joohyun smiles softly at Seungwan, gestures to the door. “After you.”

 

Seungwan does the same. “No, after you.”

 

She raises an eyebrow at the smirk on her lips, wants so bad to wipe it off because _that_ is dangerous territory. Seungwan smiling like that, with her green lenses and her purple hair and in her white t-shirt like she thinks she’s so attractive.

 

“Thank you, then,” she says sassily, sashaying in the store and leaving Seungwan still bending with her right hand under her left elbow.

 

She tries to ignore the laugh that flows in through the doors, ignores the butterflies dancing to it.

 

And just for the record, _yes_ , she is attractive.

 

 

-

 

 

Her first impression of Seungwan made her think Seungwan’s some cold Seoul kid who drinks her coffee with either low fat milk or cinnamon or both, who will be taking several language courses on top of her art major courses _just because,_ and who drives a sports car daddy bought her because she can’t drive a pony to school.

 

That is to say, her first impression of Seungwan is _wrong_.

 

Point one: Seungwan doesn’t like her coffee black and made the cutest little frowny face at one sip of the straight black coffee Yerim is into these days. She takes her coffee with just enough milk and sugar to make it feel like fireplace warm in the cold winter.

 

Point two: Seungwan is _scared_ of riding a horse. She finds out when Joy mentioned the circus horses and the Jung sisters who manage them willing to teach newbies how to ride for a few (hundred) bucks, and Seungwan immediately cowers and says no as Seulgi pouts at the horses being tired and Johnny pulls out his wallet.

 

Point three: She isn’t an art major, only Johnny and Seulgi are. Her parents let her enroll, but she chose another path. She’s taking med, something about a childhood regret of seeing her grandfather die too young and promising to grow up and be a doctor who could’ve saved him, regret bigger than her passion for music.

 

But she does speak several languages. She speaks English, Spanish, and French on top of her bubbly Korean.

 

“Say something in French,” Yerim orders as they walk around the shop, holding a huge black coat in her arms that she’s been begging Joy and Joohyun to buy for her for ten minutes now. “To any one of us.”

 

Seungwan blinks, gaze brushing against each person’s face. “Do I have to say what it means?” she asks as her eyes find Joohyun’s.

 

“That takes the fun out of it,” Joy answers.

 

“Okay…” She looks up, thinking. “I have a phrase… I’ve always wanted to say to someone here.”

 

“Johnny or Seulgi then, since you just met us,” Yerim interrupts. “If it’s Je t’aime, I will slit your throat.”

 

Seungwan smiles. “It goes, ‘Tu es la femme de mes revês’.” Her smiles widens as her head sways and her gaze breaks free from Joohyun’s.

 

Everyone stays silent. Yerim stares blankly at Seungwan as Seulgi stares almost proudly. Johnny for once looks like he’s not itching to leave.

 

Joohyun feels her heart punching her ribs, cracking them and making them puncture her lungs. A perfectly reasonable explanation as to why she suddenly can’t breathe.

 

“What does that mean?” she asks softly, because _not to assume_ , but she _swears_ Seungwan said that to her.

 

The purple haired _geek_ shrugs. “That takes the fun out of it.” She smiles at Joohyun as she takes the coat from Yerim’s arms and walks to the counter.

 

“That was totally something inappropriate,” Yerim mutters, something soft in her eyes as she watches Seungwan pay for the coat she swore she needed as the magician’s assistant.

 

The butterflies sneer. Laughs. And the flutter reaches Joohyun’s heart, calms it.

 

It is totally unfair. Seungwan with her pretty hair and her pretty eyes and her pretty smell and her pretty French speaking tongue. She is totally unfair. The butterflies agree. Seungwan is just too unfair.

 

 

-

 

 

The _game_ is _rigged_.

 

And by game she means _love_ and rigged as in there is no escaping _or_ winning.

 

Joohyun doesn’t believe there’s a specific amount of time you should spend together before you can actually fall in love with someone. Yerim fell for Saeron even without _spending_ time together and just flirting back and forth during practice. Boa fell for every child they saved the moment she saw them.

 

But Joohyun, someone who doesn’t get crushes, thinks it’s too early to be feeling all these fluttering hearts and thumping butterflies.

 

Maybe it’s lust.

 

Seungwan does look attractive in her hair, her lenses, and her annoying collection of Nike sports bras that Joohyun saw her unpacking.

 

Seungwan does do that thing with her tongue where she pokes it out to wet the corner of her lips but lets it stay there—that thing with her tongue where she pokes it out and it somehow pokes through Joohyun’s heart, catches her in a trance.

 

Seungwan does speak French, and Spanish, two of the sexiest languages Joohyun knows, right under poetry. And sometimes Seungwan speaks poetry.

 

Or maybe that’s just Joohyun’s butterflies poisoning her and making her see poetry in Seungwan’s words.

 

Yes, it must be lust. The aching urge to wipe the smile off Seungwan’s face with her lips, the tremble in her fingertips whenever Seungwan’s skin brushes against hers.

 

Yes. It is lust.

 

But then Seungwan sings.

 

And no other singer comes close. There is delicacy in the way she pronounces the syllables, tongue poking out and tickling Joohyun’s heart. There is passion in her eyes, fingertips on her guitar strings and electricity keeping the music alive.

 

Kim fucking Taeyeon doesn’t stand a chance. Beyonce’s going to quiver at the mention of Seungwan’s name. There is power in her voice, sincerity in her strums, and butterflies reaching Joohyun’s heart.

 

The melodies cradle Joohyun’s cheeks, plants a kiss on the tip of her nose. Her voice offers a hand, asks for a slow dance.

 

The sexiest language Joohyun knows is singing, and Seungwan is so goddamn in eloquent in it.

 

It isn’t love, nor lust. It’s something way purer than lust, something not as terrifying as love.

 

Maybe Joohyun should just call it butterflies.

 

 

-

 

 

The top of the Ferris wheel isn’t that high. Their rides are miniature, and less intimidating than rides in amusement parks.

 

Seungwan, who had claimed to hate rides, joins Joohyun in one cabin with a cheesy smile and a “Can I join you, Miss Bae?”

 

It rolls off her tongue too easily, but Joohyun answers with a “Please, just Joohyun.”

 

A quirked brow from Seungwan snaps her awake. But before she can take back the Joohyun, Seungwan nods. “Joohyun.”

 

Music. The name that she was too afraid to use, thought it’d bring her pain, only sounded like music.

 

She doesn’t complain.

 

Haechan grins from inside the booth. He presses a megaphone to his lips, staring mischievously at one of the cabins below Joohyun and Seungwan’s. “Pro tip: the sun will set during this batch and if you give me a signal—a simple dab would suffice—I will stop the ride with your cabin on top and you may kiss your crush.”

 

“What is he even talking about?” Joohyun grumbles, leaning forward to squint at Haechan.

 

Seungwan laughs. “Seulgi and Joy, probably.”

 

Joohyun frowns. “Kiss on their second day of meeting?”

 

“Why do you say that like people can’t start falling for someone within a moment?”

 

“Because…” she pauses, watches as Haechan motions for one of the crew to start the ride. She grips the railing at the sudden jerk. “Because these things take time.”

 

“I don’t think the heart knows the concept of time,” Seungwan counters slowly. “This is safe, isn’t it?” she asks as the wheel gains speed.

 

Joohyun chooses to focus on the second point only. “No accidents since I’ve been here. And I’ve been here sixteen years.”

 

Seungwan blinks like she knows Joohyun doesn’t have an answer to her first sentence. Then says, “Sixteen years, huh.”

 

She faces Seungwan with a frown. “I’m pretty sure I told you I joined the circus when I was ten and that I’m turning 26 this year.”

 

Seungwan flashes her a sheepish smile. “I’m pretty sure I was too sleepy to remember every single detail in the morning.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were sleepy?” she almost exclaims, eyes wide and butterflies concerned. “We could’ve went back to the bunks earlier.”

 

“Because I liked listening to your stories,” Seungwan answers matter-of-factly. “And I like listening to _you_.”

 

She looks away, stares at the sun setting in pretty pink dipped in purple and orange. Warm. “You forgot what I said, though.”

 

“I said _pretty_ sure. I still remember you saying you kept all the drawings Yerim made when she was younger, homeschooled because of the circus and lack of money. I remember you saying the very first party the circus threw was for Joy, who was so sad before her birthday because it was the same month her family died that you begged Kangta to throw her one.”

 

She doesn’t reply, simply because she doesn’t know what to reply to that. Her palms are sweaty from gripping the railings when she’s not even afraid. Almost signals to Haechan but the wheel stops with them on the second highest point.

 

She stares at the sunset.

 

“You have so much affection for them.”

 

She stares at the sunset.

 

“And I find that beautiful.”

 

She stares at the sunset, jaw twitching and butterflies partying. “Gee, keep your adoration to a minimum.”

 

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Seungwan asks, almost like she’s offended anyone else would think otherwise. “You care for them like they’re your blood related sisters. You have so much love for them, and for this circus.” She adds, after a pause, “Your love is beautiful.”

 

Joohyun watches the sunset, and Seungwan from the corner of her eye.

 

Seungwan who’s staring at the sun setting, too, a smile playing on her lips. She looks so amused, so mesmerized. Mesmerizing.

 

“You’re beautiful, too.” She coughs, clears her throat. “Your love, I mean. Not that you aren’t, of course—”

 

“Miss Bae Joohyun, _stuttering_?”

 

She slaps Seungwan’s shaking arm, sniffs haughtily at her soft laugh. “I _mean_ while you _are_ beautiful—” she adds a wink, and the red that splashes on Seungwan’s cheeks is enough reward, “—your love is beautiful, too.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah, you have the purest love for both Seulgi and Johnny. You’re joining the circus because of them, right?”

 

Seungwan’s eyes light up, like she’s surprised Joohyun remembers. Then she nods. “In a way, yes.”

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

“Pretending that wasn’t already a question.”

 

“Please.” She scoffs. Seungwan laughs. “Why don’t your parents know you’re joining the circus?”

 

And then Seungwan’s eyes dim.

 

She looks away, tongue pokes out to lick her lips as if the question dried her lips just so she can’t answer. She sighs, a faraway look in her eyes.

 

“You don’t have to answer.”

 

Seungwan smiles almost thankfully at her. “They just don’t need to know.”

 

She watches the sunset.

 

And like the sunset, Seungwan has secrets. The sunset hides all the things people whisper to her when she’s there, a great secret keeper.

 

Seungwan. Seungwan has secrets, like everyone else does. And if it were merely lust, Joohyun wouldn’t care about the secrets because she doesn’t _need_ to know.

 

If it were love, Joohyun wouldn’t care about the secrets because she doesn’t need to know.

 

But they’re butterflies, and Joohyun wants to know the secrets, wants to learn Seungwan, read her like a book and keep her near. Never let her touch the shelf.

 

Because it’s the butterflies, Joohyun nods, looks away from the sunset to watch its reflection in Seungwan’s irises. There’s the sunset’s secret, the sudden sadness in Seungwan’s eyes.

 

Seungwan’s secret is within it, too. But the butterflies aren’t smart enough to decipher it.

 

These things take time.

 

 

-

 

 

Two weeks is too little time.

 

Joohyun learns that night that Seungwan has a favorite park. And somehow her heart aches knowing she can’t possibly learn everything about Seungwan within just two weeks.

 

The butterflies may work fast, but learning takes time. And it’s slow, dragging, and lifelong.

 

Joohyun still doesn’t know everything about Joy and Yerim, how can she learn everything about Seungwan?

“I remember Seulgi tried to go down the slide headfirst when this was still a pavement and not sand… she got a broken lip and a fractured nose.” Seungwan grabs a handful of the sand, watches as it escapes through her fingers. “It was the coolest part of our 7 year old lives, her with a broken lip.”

 

“I remember when Joy cut her lip.”

 

Seungwan looks up, querying with her eyes. Then her gaze snaps to Joy, Johnny, Yerim, and Seulgi trying to reach the highest point on the swings. All childlike laughter and crinkling eyes.

 

“She tried to learn how to swallow glass shards,” Joohyun answers, leaning closer to nudge Seungwan. “Cut her lip before the glass was even in her mouth and gave Boa the shock of her life. Since then, Eunhyuk and Donghae were _forbidden_ to teach others how to swallow glass shards.”

 

The corner of Seungwan’s lips lift in astonishment. “The circus is _so_ interesting.”

 

“It’s fascinating for you, and memories for us.” Joohyun lets out a breath, then inhales the cold midnight air. “It’s when I’m telling others stories about the circus that I realize how much I don’t regret leaving my parents.”

 

“Because you found a home in the circus, anyway?”

 

She curls her lip at Seungwan, rolls her eyes. “That is so cheesy.”

 

She watches Yerim jump out of the swing, right when it’s almost forming a 90 degree angle with the pole the supports it, and then lands on her feet, hands up like a performer. Then adds, “Because I _made_ a home in the circus, anyway.”

 

“So eloquent, you,” Seungwan says, play punching Joohyun’s arm. Then she stands and offers her hand. “Come go on an adventure with me?”

 

“Are you being _cheesy_?”

 

“No, I’m being _playful_ ,” Seungwan argues, rolling her eyes. She extends her hand nearer to Joohyun.

 

Then a bright grin flashes on her face as soon as Joohyun takes her hand. “Blow me away.”

 

 

-

 

 

Seungwan blows her away every time.

 

On the third night when they brought a blanket to the seaside and fell asleep there, side by side and with smiles on their faces at the stories of their friends that they shared with each other.

 

On the fifth morning, when Joy dragged them to another diner she claimed serves good food but Seulgi claimed was infamous for having a really cranky old lady as an owner.

 

Joy, who charms people as easily as she charms wild animals, charmed the old lady and even got Seulgi an extra plate of pancakes for free, some kind of pride in her eyes as she accepted Seulgi’s gratitude.

 

On the seventh night, when she told Seungwan they shouldn’t stay up late every night and come to practice sleepy every morning, but they still stayed up watching the DVDs they have stored in the tour bus, each in their own blankets as they curled up in the living room.

 

Seungwan blows her away with the little things. With simple touches that feel like cotton candy on her skin. With soft whispers that sound like the hum of the night air sifting through the trees.

 

Seungwan.

 

Seungwan still isn’t sure she’ll stay. On the ninth night.

 

“What’s stopping you from staying?” Yerim asks, mouth full with chips as the five of them roommates sit squished on the couch and watching The Little Mermaid on the screen.

 

“My parents,” Seungwan answers.

 

Seulgi stiffens beside her, hand pauses halfway in the bag of chips. Then she stuffs her hand in and takes a whole fistful, acting like nothing happened.

 

Joy asks, “What about your parents?”

 

“They need me.”

 

A single sentence, with so much love and pain and regret blurring all together.

 

Suddenly Joohyun doesn’t care about the movie. Suddenly she doesn’t care about the chips falling to the carpet. She doesn’t care about anything else but Seungwan, wants to know what’s making her ache.

 

“Wanna talk about it?” Joy asks, eyeing Seulgi’s sad eyes instead of Seungwan.

 

Seungwan takes a deep breath, then sighs. “For brunch tomorrow, do you guys want to eat at our house? After practice?”

 

The question catches all of the off guard, Seulgi more so than others. Four pairs of wide eyes stare at her as she stares at Sebastian prodding Eric to kiss the Ariel, nods along to the song.

 

“The obvious answer is _yes_ ,” Yerim exclaims, making Joy shove her. “What? Aren’t you curious?”

 

“You don’t have to be so _obvious_ about it!”

 

Seungwan snorts, shaking her head. “My mom makes the best egg rolls.”

 

Joy swirls. “The answer is obviously yes.”

 

Seungwan laughs, shakes her head once more. Seulgi watches her, pursed lips and concerned. Her gaze lands on Joohyun, questioning.

 

If it were lust, she wouldn’t care. If it were love, she wouldn’t care.

 

But the butterflies pull at the veins controlling her tongue, makes her repeat Joy’s words, then forces her to smile.

 

“The answer is obviously yes.”

 

 

-

 

 

What happens is this: Seungwan follows her out the tour bus in the middle of the movie, looks like she regrets asking everyone to have breakfast with her.

 

And Joohyun just extends her hand, offers some company.

 

“I just wanna say… I really want to stay with the circus.”

 

Joohyun nods, lets her hand fall to her side.

 

“And that’s mostly because you’ve been amazing company these past few days. And, well… I think it’s because we spent so much, uh, vulnerable, I guess, midnights together… but I think I kinda like you.”

 

She blinks, fights against the butterflies forcing her to kiss Seungwan. “We’ve only known each other nine days.”

 

“I’ll only be in the circus for fourteen days,” Seungwan counters sadly, taking a hesitant step forward.

 

These things take time.

 

“But… but these things take time, Seungwan.”

 

Seungwan steps back, keeps her hands behind her back as she shifts her weight between her two feet. “I’m only saying this because I will regret not telling you when the circus leaves. And… these things take time, yes. But who said time should be long?”

 

“They’re butterflies, Seungwan.”

 

Recognition flashes in Seungwan’s eyes. “So, you feel them, too?”

 

“Because I was Little Big Mouth,” she answers, looking away. The air suddenly feels too cold.

 

“How many did you swallow?”

 

She pauses, bounces on her feet. “One.”

 

“And how many are there, now?”

 

She sighs. “Four.”

 

Seungwan takes a step forward. “I never swallowed a butterfly, but there are no less than thirteen soaring in my stomach every time you look at me with those eyes. Do you know what I told Seulgi the day we went to your practice and you landed right in front of us?”

 

“What?”

 

“Whoever looks into your eyes too long will have a hell of a difficult time trying to not fall.” She takes Joohyun’s chin, makes her face her. Stares into her eyes. “Fourteen days is too long to avoid those.”

 

“It’s just the butterflies—”

 

“Let the butterflies have what they want,” Seungwan whispers before leaning closer, eyeing Joohyun’s eyes and, at the subtle lifting of Joohyun’s chin that Joohyun didn’t even realize she was doing, she closes the gap.

 

And then electricity. Lips so soft they feel like air, but so powerful they gut punch her and wake the butterflies from their rest.

 

Her ears ring, the sound of the waves crashing so loud behind her. She hears the flutter of wings, feels herself pulling Seungwan closer, and the wings flutter harder.

 

Kissing Seungwan makes the butterflies rip themselves into two. Eight of them swarming around her stomach, making kissy faces at each other as Joohyun feels electricity from Seungwan’s tongue.

 

The air is cold but Joohyun’s not affected because Seungwan is fire keeping her warm. Seungwan’s lips are fire.

 

Joohyun will kiss them again and again, let her own lips turn to ash. Let the dust be carried by the wind, made to look like ‘ _maybe it’s not the butterflies_ ’ in pretty pink cursive letters.

 

Seungwan kissing her lips is kissing the fire away, healing the third degree burns. The butterflies sigh, lean into each other and watch, smiles proud on their faces.

 

Kissing Seungwan is magical.

 

 

-

 

 

The next morning, Seungwan greets her with a soft smile. Hesitant.

 

So she asks, to lift the mood, “We just kissed yesterday, Wan, and you’re bringing me to your parents?”

 

This catches Joy’s attention, obviously. She swirls to stare at them from the kitchen, a sandwich halfway to her mouth. “ _What_?”

 

“She said they just kissed yesterday,” Seulgi tells her, unfazed, as she passes by Joy, hair still wet and in a towel.

 

Joy shoots her a glare, but it softens as soon as Seulgi smiles at her. “You’re okay with this? I mean, Seungwan’s your best friend, isn’t she?”

 

“You talk like you didn’t kiss Seulgi on the Ferris wheel,” Yerim quips, raising her cup of coffee to her sinister smirk. She winks before taking a sip.

 

At that, both Joy and Seulgi busy themselves with their own light breakfasts before what must be a feast in Seungwan’s place, both blushing madly and avoiding any eye contact.

 

Yerim rolls her eyes. “You high schoolers disgust me,” she grumbles before taking another sip of her coffee. She turns to Joohyun. “So, why did you kiss?”

 

“Should there be a reason?” Joohyun asks sweetly, staring at her reflection in the mirror and dissecting her outfit.

 

What is a person supposed to wear to brunch, anyway?

 

Seungwan walks past her and whispers, “You look great,” before entering the kitchen to nudge Seulgi and grin teasingly at her.

 

Joy looks up, something tells Joohyun it’s only so she can look away from Seulgi and Seungwan. “So, you have a crush?”

 

“It’s not a crush,” she answers before she can think, prompting four pairs of eyes to stare quizzically at her. She clears her throat, attempts a smile that doesn’t look too nervous or too happy. “It’s called butterflies.”

 

 

-

 

 

Seungwan’s house is nothing less than what Joohyun imagined: all white walls and marble everywhere with a huge TV in the living room. Joohyun, who is comfortable with the cramped space of the tour bus, with the cramped space she shares with just the right amount of people, feels so small.

 

Seungwan looks at home. As if she could fill the whole place and it’s the only place she wants to fill, she’s not afraid to fill.

 

Johnny and Seulgi look almost as at home as she does, shoulders not shrinking at the amount of empty space.

 

But the dining room is full. A long table with several seats, three of them taken when they walked in. There wasn’t a feast; just some waffles and bacon and egg rolls, coffee mugs filled almost to the brim with the steam rolling off and making the place smell like warmth.

 

It isn’t a feast, it’s a family breakfast.

 

Seungwan takes a seat in front of her sister, pulls Joohyun next to her so she can sit next to her. Seulgi is in front of Joohyun, Joy beside her, and Yerim in front of Joy. Johnny sits at one end of the table, looking like the head of the family with Seungwan’s parents siting across each other.

 

The air is stiff for a few moments, but then Seungwan’s mother speaks, “You’re all from the circus?”

 

Yerim nods. “We are. Uh, I’m a magician’s assistant, Joy tames a tiger, and Irene is a trapeze artist.”

 

Seungwan’s mother’s eyes glisten as she leans against the table. “Really? You still have shows left, don’t you? I wanted to watch a show, but Seungwan here said she thought it wouldn’t be that good and that I shouldn’t waste my money.”

 

“I’m offended,” Joy says, glaring at Seungwan.

 

“If they went to see the show they would’ve found out I joined the circus, Joy,” Seungwan reminds her.

 

Joy shrugs, leans back against her chair. “Still offended.”

 

“Seungwan here was afraid we won’t let her join the circus,” Seungwan’s mother informs them, looking gently at Seungwan. “She thinks we don’t want her to go study art or something.”

 

“It’s not that…” Seungwan mutters, playing with the sausage on her table.

 

Seulgi quips, “She won’t be joining us for the rest of the tour, though.”

 

“Oh?” Seungwan’s father raises an eyebrow at Seungwan, then at Seulgi. “So, only you and John, then? Seungwannie won’t be ticking ‘join the circus’ off her bucket list?”

 

“I kinda already did, dad.”

 

“Why don’t you go with them, Wan?” he asks.

 

“ _Because_.” She raises her eyebrows pointedly, as if to make a point no one else knows about. Then she turns to her mom. “Seulgi’s learning how to breathe fire.”

 

Her mother catches the silent plead to change the subject easily. Her eyes widen as she twists to stare at Seulgi. “Really, dear? Your father must be so amazed.”

 

Seulgi smiles up cheekily at her. “Yeah, they went to see me perform last Thursday. My brother brought a banner with all pictures of me sleeping that he has.”

 

“Ah, always the sweet boy,” Seungwan’s sister quips, rolling her eyes. “How ‘bout you, John? What do you do?”

 

“They let me join a dance troupe.”

 

Seungwan’s father tears his gaze away from Seungwan, then squints at Johnny. “Why don’t you learn how to, uh, jump through hoops with fire? Or be a comedian? Didn’t you want to be one? You’ve got the looks, humor’s the only thing missing.”

 

Johnny sighs, lets his hands fall to each side of his plate. “Why do you guys always have to attack _me_?”

 

“Kid, I was the one who played baseball with you after your father died. I have every right to attack you.”

 

Johnny smiles, cuts his eggroll with his fork. “Fine, _dad_.”

 

Seungwan’s father turns to the guests. “We all live in this same street. It’s a good community and when we have barbeque parties it’s almost like the whole extended family’s here except they’re all just neighbors.” As an afterthought, he adds, “Which is the second closest thing.”

 

“You should’ve seen little Johnny giving little Seungwan cheek kisses and little Seulgi roses,” Seungwan’s mother swoons, smiling sweetly at them. “It was the most adorable sight. Adult Johnny, Seungwan, and Seulgi blushing madly—” she waves a finger pointing to the three of them ducking their heads, “—every time it’s mentioned is a close second.”

 

“That must’ve been so cute,” Joohyun speaks for the first time. Seungwan looks up at her but she avoids her gaze. “If you had it your way, would you want Johnny to be with Seungwan?”

 

All pairs of eyes are staring at her, and she resists the urge to shrink.

 

Seungwan’s mother shrugs. “I want whoever Seungwan wants… uh, what was your name?”

 

“Joohyun,” she answers, eliciting incredulous looks from both Joy and Yerim. “Bae Joohyun, ma’am.”

 

“Please, call me Ma.” She gestures to Seulgi and Johnny. “That’s what they call me. _Mom_ is reserved for Seungwan and Seunghee. So is dad, so you can call my husband Da.”

 

Joohyun shrinks. “I—we just met.”

 

Seungwan’s mom scoffs. “Who put a timer on being comfortable?”

 

These things take time. But Joohyun shrugs. “I just—”

 

“You shouldn’t time everything, Joohyun. Let them be.”

 

Seungwan eyes Joohyun softly, a hint of a smile on her lips as Joohyun meekly nods at her mother.

 

Then, Yerim speaks, “Yeah, _Joohyun_. Thank you for these eggrolls, _Ma_ , they’re the best tasting eggrolls I’ve ever had. Seungwan wasn’t lying.”

 

“Seungwan can’t lie,” Seunghee muses almost exasperatedly. “Got me in trouble way too many time for not lying.”

 

These things take time. But maybe time doesn’t have to be long. She looks at Seungwan bickering with her sister over the many times they’ve been caught because none of them can lie.

 

And then at Seulgi and Joy, who are sending each other hushed smiles and sitting way too closely together.

 

And at Yerim. It didn’t take her three days to fall for Yerim when she first met her, to take her as her own and promise she’d take care of her the rest of her life, protect her from all evil and knee cuts.

 

Then at Seungwan again, and it isn’t lust. Might not be love.

 

But she suddenly doesn’t care about her secrets, suddenly accepts her just for who she is.

 

Suddenly, eight butterflies aren’t enough to explain it.

 

 

-

 

 

“Seungwan’s staying for me,” Seungwan’s dad tells her as he takes a seat beside her on the backyard table. He smiles at her, looking young with his smile but his eyes are obviously aged.

 

She blinks. “What, sir?”

 

His smile turns amused at the ‘sir’. “She’s staying because I’m sick. She’s becoming a doctor because I’m sick. Same as my father’s sickness… I have bipolar type 1 and the mania is something that scares everyone and myself. It’s the mania that killed my father.”

 

She purses her lips, wonders why he’s telling her this. Wonders why she’s listening.

 

“He went car racing and drove himself to a wall.”

 

“That’s— I don’t know what to say.”

 

He nods. “I didn’t know what to say either. But Seungwan and Seunghee vowed to be a doctor and a pharmacist respectively, better than those who failed my dad. Seungwan’s taking care of me and making sure I don’t get in either a depressed state or reach mania.”

 

“You need her,” she mutters in understanding.

 

“I can handle myself.”

 

Joohyun shakes her head. “I think it’s a good idea she’s staying. Not all musicians have to sing in front of a crowd.”

 

“My daughter wants to sing in front of a crowd.”

 

Seungwan does. Joohyun sees the passion. “But I think she loves you more than singing.”

 

Seungwan’s father stares at her, scrutinizing through his glasses. “It would’ve been best for all of us if I wasn’t here, huh? Seungwan doesn’t need to choose between things she loves, doesn’t need to make sacrifices.”

 

“If the illness wasn’t there, sir,” she corrects. “If I had a father like you… who did everything to stay, I would’ve—I would’ve wanted to stay, too.”

 

He takes a deep breath then nods. “I don’t want to force my daughter to do anything at all. But I just wish she’d pick herself.”

 

“Seungwan is…” she stops, tries to think of the right word. She looks up slowly and meets Seungwan’s father’s eyes, so similar to Seungwan’s. “Seungwan’s love is beautiful. It’s selfless, and I think she’ll feel better if you let her pick you.”

 

He smiles at her, so gentle and _father_ like. “Thank you. I hope this won’t be the last time we’re meeting, and I hope when we meet again you’ll be comfortable enough to call me Da.”

 

“That will be our second meeting, though.”

 

“Stop putting a timer on everything, Joohyun.” He pats her forearm and smiles before standing and walking towards the door. “By the way, I hope when you and Seungwan meet again… she’s ready to pick you.”

 

 

-

 

They spend the last few nights together, with Yerim, Seulgi, Joy, and Johnny.

 

Tonight, with their hands with ice cream cones and soles of feet unprotected against the sand, Saeron is with them.

 

Johnny, who is starting to show his feelings, grumbles, “What a good night to just walk and be the seventh wheel of six useless lesbians.”

 

“You can’t call us that, John,” Seulgi scolds playfully, dropping Joy’s hand just so she can point at Johnny. “Besides, I’m bi, and so is Joy.”

 

“I’m Saeron-sexual,” Yerim interrupts, making Saeron blush and the others gag.

 

“And you can’t say that like you’re not crushing on Taeyong.”

 

Johnny holds up a pointer at Joy. “Taeyong is a _child_. I am not into _that_. He laughs like a child, he bounces around like a child.”

 

“But when he’s dancing you stare at him like a child staring at candy,” Joy counters, pinching Johnny’s finger and pulling it down. “Admit it, boy, you like Taeyong.”

 

“Taeyong is a _child_.”

 

“Say it a few more times and maybe you’d be closer to reaching maximum delusion,” Joy says, grabbing Seulgi’s hand and walking faster.

 

Johnny throws his hands up, ice cream dripping on his fingers. “He’s a _child_.”

 

 

 

-

 

 

Time is running out. They have two days left together. She kept worrying about the butterflies acting too fast she forgot that time is limited.

 

Because Seungwan won’t join the circus, and the circus rolls into a new town every two weeks but those new towns won’t have Seungwan.

 

She scrolls through her IG as she waits for their last show to start, numerous pictures of practices and of the beach one after another. There are some pictures of Saeron and Seulgi making appearances from Yerim’s and Joy’s usernames respectively.

 

Yerim once told her that if you upload of someone on your IG, that someone must be important to you. Yerim’s account is full of pictures of the circus, of Joohyun and Joy goofing around with the other crew members, of them having slumber parties in the living room of the bus. Joy’s account has a lot of pictures of Changie, a few pictures of herself, and pictures of the crew scattered here and there.

 

Joohyun, who doesn’t post much, only has twenty pictures: one of them of the whole crew on her birthday, a few of Joy and Yerim, and majority of cities and skies.

 

Maybe it isn’t lust, nor love, nor butterflies. She posts a picture of herself and Seungwan taken in the park as they sit side by side with feet hanging next to the slide, taken by Yerim and sent to her with the caption “you look happy here so I didn’t want to delete it”.

 

She captions it with a purple heart.

 

Maybe the right word is ‘important’.

 

-

 

 

Seulgi catches her in the common tent just before she leaves, sweaty and out of breath. She takes Joohyun’s hand. “The circus is leaving tomorrow.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“And I just want to say you made my best friend _very_ happy these past two weeks.” She pauses, looks around for what to say. Then squeezes Joohyun’s hand. “Make her promise you’ll meet again because she doesn’t break promises.”

 

“Seulgi, we’re probably only this attached to each other now because we spent almost the whole two weeks together.”

 

Seulgi frowns. “Then if you still like each other when you meet again, maybe you’ll be brave enough to call it attraction.”

 

Attraction. But that’s too little a word.

 

“Or love. Time doesn’t matter. History doesn’t matter. Make her promise.”

 

She nods, pats Seulgi’s hand. “I will.”

 

 

-

 

 

Yerim cries, hides behind Saeron’s shoulder as Seungwan bids her goodbye, refusing to look her in the eyes.

 

Joy nonchalantly shrugs and gives her a hug, but breaks down into tears the moment Seungwan moves on to Seulgi and hugs her tight.

 

Johnny hugs Seungwan’s head to his chest, makes her promise to take care of herself and to always call if she has troubles.

 

And Joohyun’s already crying by the time Seungwan gets to her.

 

“Tu es la femme de mes revês,” Seungwan says.

 

Joohyun blinks. “What?”

 

“You are the woman of my dreams.” She pauses, tightens her grip on Joohyun’s hands. “I’ve… I’ve always had these dreams, where there was a girl who always made me feel warm. And I just knew if I met that girl in real life, I would _know_ who she is.”

 

“And that’s me?”

 

“No.” She frowns as Seungwan laughs. “No, but I know… I know you’re more than just warmth. Tu es la femme de mes revês but you’re more than just the woman of my dreams. You’re here. You’re real. And you’re not just warmth.”

 

“What are you trying to say?”

 

“You say these things take time.”

 

She nods, tearing her gaze away from Seungwan’s. “And?”

 

“And maybe time can’t take it.” Seungwan laughs at the frown that mars her features. “Maybe even if we stay apart for how long, you in the circus and me taking care of my dad, maybe time can’t take it. I’ll still… maybe then I can say I love you.”

 

“Why is it a maybe?” she whines, tears forming an ocean in her eyes.

 

“I don’t know what might happen while we’re apart, Joohyun.”

 

“I don’t either but I’m at least going to force the butterflies to stay.”

 

Seungwan’s smile turns sad. “If you have to force them to, that means they’re not there anymore.”

 

She glares at Seungwan. “You and your reasoning. Your philosophy shit. Promise me we’ll meet each other again.”

 

“If the circus comes back here, yes.”

 

“Promise me we’ll meet each other again,” she repeats, this time more forcefully as she shoves her pinky finger to Seungwan’s face.

 

Seungwan stares at her gently, magic swimming in her eyes. Stares at her like she finds Joohyun so lovable with her nose red and her eyes puffy from all the crying and glaring at her like a child.

 

She hooks their pinkies together. “I promise.”

 

“I’ll have Changie track you down and rip you to shreds if you don’t.”

 

Seungwan chuckles. “Of course. Wouldn’t want that.” She leaves a fleeting kiss on Joohyun’s lips, for her to take out of her pillowcase when she’s lonely, then she gently pushes her back, waves at Joy, Yerim, Saeron, Johnny, and Seulgi. Then ducks in her mother’s car.

 

Joohyun’s already lonely.

 

 

-

 

 

Yerim, whose Saeron has gone home too, plops down next to her when they reach the next stop. “Saeron has school.”

 

Joohyun scoffs, presses play on the movie. “So she _does_ go to school.”

 

“Yeah, but she’s training to be an actress so she doesn’t go to school much. Her manager’s mad she missed so much though and is making her go to school for three months straight.” She sighs, loud and resonating, before hanging her head back. “I miss her already.”

 

“You can text each other. You can call each other.”

 

Yerim stands, points to Joohyun like she just made an amazing observation. Then deadpans, “Then why don’t you and Seungwan do that?”

 

“Because… because we’re not like you and Saeron. We’re not together like that. We’re just… we just kiss and stuff.”

 

“Do you _hear_ yourself, miss-I-cried-the-whole-night? You clearly like her.”

 

She nods her agreement. “I do.”

 

“Then why don’t you text her?”

 

She laughs. “I do, Yerm.” At Yerim’s raised brow, she adds, “But communicating through screens won’t really be the same as talking across table or on swings beside each other.”

 

“You’re afraid, aren’t you? That maybe it _was_ too fast and it was just the butterflies talking?”

 

Yerim’s tone not only helps push the stake further down her heart, almost touching the butterflies, but they also make her want to puke out the butterflies.

 

“Yes.”

 

 

-

 

 

Half a year later and she still talks with Seungwan through texts, keeps up with her life through tweets, sees the world through her eyes through pictures.

 

Johnny assures her as much as he can that Seungwan misses her as much as she misses Seungwan.

 

With Polaroid pictures of Seungwan with a letter handwritten on the back sent through mails with an even longer letter written on a piece of paper that smells like her, so _romantic_.

 

With a smile on his face as he grabs Joohyun’s shoulder and makes her wave at his phone, telling her he’s sending another video to Seungwan.

 

With little conversations sitting beside each other on a park bench and talking about Seungwan.

 

Joohyun feels the butterflies take weak breaths each time, a reminder that they’re alive. But she misses Seungwan so much, misses her touch and her voice and seeing her in person.

 

A butterfly dies.

 

 

-

 

 

Practice today has an audience, which means they can’t half-ass it. Especially since Boa’s watching.

 

Boa walks up to her and Victoria with a small frown on her face. “Are you okay now, Hyun?”

 

She nods. “Yeah, just feeling a little sick, I guess. Like, vomit sick.”

 

“You wanna sit this out?”

 

It’s just the butterflies, begging to finally leave her stomach. “No. I’m fine.”

 

Boa’s eyes dim. “You haven’t been fine since Seungwan didn’t join the circus, Hyun.”

 

Victoria looks up from where she’s tightening her gloves around her wrist. “She’s right, Irene. Why don’t you take a rest before you burn yourself out? Get some time to yourself. Maybe even visit Seungwan.”

 

She tries to act like she’s considering it, then shakes her head. “I can take some rest, sure. Next week, maybe.”

 

Boa sighs, shakes her own head before patting Joohyun’s cheek. “That better be a promise, Hyun.” She smiles at them before entering the stage and gesturing to Leeteuk.

 

_“Acrobats team!”_

 

Joohyun forces the passion to burn her heart.

 

 

-

 

 

Her heart swells at the children clapping, cheeks lift at the grown men and woman gushing. She forces herself to feel the passion of performing again, the one Seungwan gave her when she came into her life.

 

But she does things monotonously, goes through the routine just because she knows the routine. Know the routine just because she memorized it.

 

But then a head with dark hair tied into a messy bun catches her eye and the fire ignites.

 

Seated in the middle of two extremely happy looking people—one a woman with the same smile, the other a man with the same eyes—she’s clasping her hands together as Taemin throws Ten to the air to grab onto Victoria’s rope.

 

There’s concern in her eyes that disappears the moment Ten’s safely holding on to the rope. He raises his arms and waves his hand, smiling cutely at her.

 

And that’s Irene’s cue. She jumps off her platform, all fears of high places gone as long as she’s going to arrive in front of her, and swings down to get to the other side, landing on her feet right in front of the three.

 

As if on slow motion, the girl looks up, still awed, and Irene’s met with beautiful wide eyes and a really pretty face framed with hair falling out of her bun.

 

And, when her gaze meets the girl’s, she thinks maybe the butterflies are now alive somewhere in her stomach, wings fluttering around her insides, tickling her into a smile.

Seungwan smiles back.

 

“You’re here,” she breathes out, forgetting about the routine.

 

Seungwan blinks, peeks behind Joohyun to find Victoria, Ten, and Taemin ending the routine.

 

She stands. “I am.”

 

“And?”

 

 She gestures to Joohyun. “You look beautiful.”

 

“And, Seungwan?” she prods.

 

Seungwan meets her eyes. “I still feel the same. Maybe it _was_ love.”

 

She stares at Seungwan, dazed. But then the butterflies in both of their stomachs pull at each other, like heavenly bodies with gravity forcing them to crash.

 

And their lips crash. And then fireworks. And a love song playing in the background. The butterflies ram headfirst towards the lining of their stomachs, content with being as close as they can to each other and wings lighting up in fire. Burning passion of a whole year not seeing each other.

 

These things take time, but time is a concept butterflies have so little of they can’t afford care about it anymore.

 

Because butterflies have short lifespans, and the butterflies in Joohyun’s stomach turn into ash. Because now she can say for sure that it _is_ love.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me way too long to actually write after I posted the first chapter, my apologies. I just... wasn't in the mood to write, lol. I hope you liked this! Leave a comment, they're much appreciated.


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